Here I am…
Writing to you once again.
The night before I told you I would post this.
You would think that I’ve learned my lesson by now,
But I haven’t and I’m okay with that.
Sometimes the late-night writing is the most real and raw.
It’s the kind that I find myself most attached to.
The type that I am most proud of.
Because it’s my truest and deepest thoughts.
So here I go…
I’ve taken a break for a while…
It’s been almost two months since I’ve posted.
And two months before that.
It’s been a while my friends,
And oh, how I’ve missed you.
But in all reality,
I needed a break.
I needed to breathe.
To let Jesus become my focus once again.
Sometimes that’s hard and quite frankly,
In the more recent weeks I’ve felt something.
I’ve felt this shame and this condemnation.
Like I wasn’t good enough for you anymore.
Sounds weird right?
Well, let me back up and start from the beginning…
Like the beginning of this blog…
I originally intended to start this blog and write about faith.
Jesus strictly and nothing else,
But as I began to write,
I found myself pouring my heart out to you.
Telling you my struggles and fears.
In the past two years,
A lot of that has turned out to be relational.
And that is not an easy topic.
In the past two years,
I have been hurt…
You name it.
It has been a weight that seems to never lift.
As soon as I think I’ve been healed from one thing,
Something else falls apart.
I get left,
Over the days,
I allowed myself to just push it all to the side.
I would open my hand just enough for God to heal a portion,
But not everything.
And I began to believe I deserved what happened to me.
Every painful memory that I had,
I held onto.
I never truly let it go.
This continued on and on,
And finally, I broke.
January 2018 came around
And remember what I told you?
This was going to be a year of freedom.
And that’s exactly what happened.
Within the first two weeks of this New Year,
I found myself with a broken heart again.
A broken heart that had been so broken before,
That it just fell apart in an instant.
I felt betrayed and hurt.
I felt helpless and lost.
But as I continued on,
I realized that it wasn’t just the person that hurt me,
It was the continuous comfort that I found in my pain.
It was this idea that I couldn’t move forward
That really caused the most damage.
Things that I did not even know I still struggled with
Or never truly faced years ago finally began to surface.
It was an excruciating detox that the Lord wanted to take me through.
Now I don’t know about you,
But I have a love/hate relationship with detoxes.
I love that it pulls the impurities form your body,
But the process is just a crappy one
No matter how you look at it.
This detox that Jesus wanted to lead me through
Was more than just crappy
It was confrontational,
It has brought my best heart out.
It has shed light on the ugly parts of my spirit.
It has led me through valleys
And helped me conquer mountains.
My heart is to share these trials with you someday.
But there has also been this shame and guilt
That has tried sneaking its way over everything God is doing.
It has twisted what the Father has healed me from
And kept me in this place of not feeling good enough now that I am healing.
HOW CRAZY IS THAT?!
Satan wants to take the goodness of the Perfect Healer
And twist it into condemnation.
To that I say, “Not today!”
But that isn’t always where my heart has been.
It’s been in a place of believing that I needed to go back.
Back to everything that I have been healed and am healing from.
To pick up those jars of memories
And sit in that excruciating pain once again…
And never leave.
You see my friends,
As I was caught between walking in freedom
And staying in the comfortability of bondage,
The enemy continued to shout in my face
That I would never be effective for the Kingdom
Unless I stayed in a victim mentality.
Unless I never let God fully heal me.
Only talk about the hope that I could have,
But never actually live or experience it.
That’s exactly what Satan wants.
He wants us to believe that we are better off
Sitting on the ground with our pasts surrounding us.
Holding the shattered pieces of our hearts,
Rather than walking in the identity and freedom
That Jesus paid for on the cross.
I thought that if I let God truly heal me
And moved forward from everything that I have faced,
That I would no longer have anything to write about.
That you would no longer want to read about my heart.
But then it hit me.
My writing isn’t even about me.
It’s about bringing honor and glory
to the name of the Lord.
To help bring Heaven to Earth.
To help you find the freedom and healing you’ve always desired.
My writing has never been and never will be about me.
Why would God want me to stay in bondage,
When He paid the ultimate sacrifice for us to live in freedom?
While He can use us in the midst of our pain,
He would rather much use us in our healing.
So that we can be used to give others hope
In the name of Jesus
And not have to face such disaster in our own lives.
As I’m going back and rereading this post,
I’m surprised at the way it turned out.
I guess I had more of an encouraging post in mind,
Rather than just an update.
But I also know that this was needed.
You my friend,
I always want to be honest with you.
I want you to know my heart
And what the Father is doing in my life.
My hopes is that,
It helps or encourages you.
That you walk away
Feeling a little more encouraged.
A little more loved.
A little closer to Jesus.
You deserve nothing less.
That you deserve to walk without chains
And in the true identity that God has created for you.
Not because of anything you’ve done,
But because of everything that He has done.
All my love,