Life Update: From Bondage to Freedom

Here I am…

Writing to you once again.

The night before I told you I would post this.

You would think that I’ve learned my lesson by now,

But I haven’t and I’m okay with that.

 

Sometimes the late-night writing is the most real and raw.

It’s the kind that I find myself most attached to.

The type that I am most proud of.

Why?

Because it’s my truest and deepest thoughts.

 

So here I go…

 

I’ve taken a break for a while…

It’s been almost two months since I’ve posted.

And two months before that.

 

It’s been a while my friends,

And oh, how I’ve missed you.

But in all reality,

I needed a break.

I needed to breathe.

To let Jesus become my focus once again.

 

Sometimes that’s hard and quite frankly,

In the more recent weeks I’ve felt something.

I’ve felt this shame and this condemnation.

Like I wasn’t good enough for you anymore.

 

Sounds weird right?

 

Well, let me back up and start from the beginning…

Like the beginning of this blog…

 

I originally intended to start this blog and write about faith.

Jesus strictly and nothing else,

But as I began to write,

I found myself pouring my heart out to you.

Telling you my struggles and fears.

 

In the past two years,

A lot of that has turned out to be relational.

And that is not an easy topic.

 

In the past two years,

I have been hurt…

A lot.

Friendships.

Relationships.

You name it.

It has been a weight that seems to never lift.

 

As soon as I think I’ve been healed from one thing,

Something else falls apart.

I get left,

Lied to,

Manipulated,

Abused.

 

Over the days,

weeks,

months,

years,

I allowed myself to just push it all to the side.

I would open my hand just enough for God to heal a portion,

But not everything.

And I began to believe I deserved what happened to me.

 

Every painful memory that I had,

I held onto.

I never truly let it go.

 

This continued on and on,

And finally, I broke.

 

January 2018 came around

And remember what I told you?

This was going to be a year of freedom.

And that’s exactly what happened.

 

Within the first two weeks of this New Year,

I found myself with a broken heart again.

A broken heart that had been so broken before,

That it just fell apart in an instant.

 

I felt betrayed and hurt.

I felt helpless and lost.

But as I continued on,

I realized that it wasn’t just the person that hurt me,

It was the continuous comfort that I found in my pain.

It was this idea that I couldn’t move forward

That really caused the most damage.

 

Things that I did not even know I still struggled with

Or never truly faced years ago finally began to surface.

It was an excruciating detox that the Lord wanted to take me through.

 

Now I don’t know about you,

But I have a love/hate relationship with detoxes.

I love that it pulls the impurities form your body,

But the process is just a crappy one

No matter how you look at it.

 

This detox that Jesus wanted to lead me through

Was more than just crappy

It was confrontational,

Painful,

Enlightening,

Healing.

 

It has brought my best heart out.

It has shed light on the ugly parts of my spirit.

It has led me through valleys

And helped me conquer mountains.

 

My heart is to share these trials with you someday.

 

But there has also been this shame and guilt

That has tried sneaking its way over everything God is doing.

It has twisted what the Father has healed me from

And kept me in this place of not feeling good enough now that I am healing.

 

HOW CRAZY IS THAT?!

 

Satan wants to take the goodness of the Perfect Healer

And twist it into condemnation.

To that I say, “Not today!”

 

But that isn’t always where my heart has been.

It’s been in a place of believing that I needed to go back.

Back to everything that I have been healed and am healing from.

To pick up those jars of memories

And sit in that excruciating pain once again…

And never leave.

 

You see my friends,

As I was caught between walking in freedom

And staying in the comfortability of bondage,

The enemy continued to shout in my face

That I would never be effective for the Kingdom

Unless I stayed in a victim mentality.

Unless I never let God fully heal me.

Only talk about the hope that I could have,

But never actually live or experience it.

 

That’s exactly what Satan wants.

He wants us to believe that we are better off

Sitting on the ground with our pasts surrounding us.

Holding the shattered pieces of our hearts,

Rather than walking in the identity and freedom

That Jesus paid for on the cross.

 

I thought that if I let God truly heal me

And moved forward from everything that I have faced,

That I would no longer have anything to write about.

That you would no longer want to read about my heart.

 

But then it hit me.

My writing isn’t even about me.

It’s about bringing honor and glory

to the name of the Lord.

To help bring Heaven to Earth.

To help you find the freedom and healing you’ve always desired.

 

My writing has never been and never will be about me.

Why would God want me to stay in bondage,

When He paid the ultimate sacrifice for us to live in freedom?

 

While He can use us in the midst of our pain,

He would rather much use us in our healing.

So that we can be used to give others hope

In the name of Jesus

And not have to face such disaster in our own lives.

 

As I’m going back and rereading this post,

I’m surprised at the way it turned out.

I guess I had more of an encouraging post in mind,

Rather than just an update.

But I also know that this was needed.

 

You my friend,

I always want to be honest with you.

I want you to know my heart

And what the Father is doing in my life.

My hopes is that,

It helps or encourages you.

 

That you walk away

Feeling a little more encouraged.

A little more loved.

A little closer to Jesus.

 

You deserve nothing less.

 

Always remember,

That you deserve to walk without chains

Without suffering

And in the true identity that God has created for you.

Not because of anything you’ve done,

But because of everything that He has done.

 

All my love,

Hallie

To the Girl Who Thought She Would Be Someone’s Valentine

To the girl who believed she would be someone’s valentine,

 

You believed that this year would be different.

In fact, there were signs and promises that led you to that belief.

You thought that maybe, just maybe, someone would really want to call you theirs.

Which makes today so much harder than it was before.

 

All you wanted was to feel special for a day.

For someone to recognize you as unique and lovely.

To be the one that they planned a perfect evening for,

So that you could dress up and be confidently known.

 

But don’t you see my dear, that you should feel like that every day?

 

You should be with someone who values your beauty

From the rise of the sun to the fall of dusk.

You deserve to have someone speak love into your heart

Without any strings attached.

 

He couldn’t do that.

He chose to walk away.

Your heart was nothing more than just a game

That he could play with until he got bored.

 

You were told all of the right things

To make you believe that you were what he wanted

But at the end of the day you were left

Picking up the broken pieces of your heart

On the day you dreamed of being oh so special.

 

But my dear, you are missing the point.

 

You live in a world that is consumed by relationships.

They tell you to be independent,

That you don’t need a man,

And yet they shame you when you are alone.

 

You have let this idolization encompass you.

You have let the world tell you your value

Through your relationship status.

You believe that you are only worth something

If he is the one telling you that you are.

 

Through all of these lies and all of the hurt

You have come to dread this day.

You are surrounded by pink balloons.

Dozens of roses.

Endless amounts of chocolate boxes.

And you hate every second of it.

 

But what if your perspective changed?

 

What if you chose not to let this world to tell you your worth?

What if you chose to stop idolizing that relationship you dreamed of?

What if you chose to let your heart rest in this season of singleness?

 

You see my dear,

While we were created to be in relationship with others,

We were also created to be content in letting God sustain us.

 

You were created to be known by the One who created us.

You were chosen to walk this earth before time began.

You were loved so recklessly even though you have messed up.

 

This season of singleness is not what you wanted,

But it’s what God knew you needed.

 

Not because you don’t deserve to be loved by another,

But because you need to be reminded that you are already loved.

Not because you shouldn’t be with someone,

But because you need to be with the Father.

Not because you are called to be single forever,

But because you are being prepared for someone greater.

 

James reminds us that every good and perfect gift comes from above.

So instead of looking at today as a curse because what was promised was unfulfilled,

Maybe you can look at this “day of hearts” as a gift from God.

A perfect day for you to remind yourself of how worthy you are.

How beautiful you are.

How you are loved so perfectly by the One who made you.

 

Now trust me, I know that it is easier said than done,

But maybe we could do this together.

 

Maybe, just maybe,

Us girls who believed that we were going to be someone’s valentine,

Can band together and love on one another.

We stand together and create a safe place to be confident in our singleness.

Remind one another of the True Love that matters most.

 

We can cry and grieve together.

Laugh and celebrate together.

Sing and praise together.

 

Maybe the reason you’re single this Valentine’s Day

Is to help create a movement.

A movement that will forever change the view of singleness.

It will change the fact that we idolize relationships

And turn singleness into a celebration

That we solely can focus on Jesus without any distractions.

 

To the girl who believed she would be someone’s valentine,

 

I want to remind you that today it is okay to cry and hurt over unfulfilled promises.

It is okay to be upset that you wanted this year to be different.

But I also want to remind you that you are just as special as the girl who is going on a date tonight.

You are just as worthy.

Just as beautiful.

Just as loved.

 

In fact, you do have someone wanting you to be His valentine.

He is waiting at the door of your heart with a bouquet of roses

And a voice ready to speak love to you.

He has loved you since before you even realized He was looking.

He is noticed you even on your hardest days

And even still wants to say, “I love you.”

 

His name is Jesus.

 

So go ahead.

Open the door.

And let today not be as bad you thought.

 

All my love,

Hallie  

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s Okay to Let Go

You know, when I was a little girl, I had my whole life planned out.

I longed to be a mother.

To have a high-paying job.

For perfect children and a perfect husband (preferably a pro golfer).

I dreamed of having a big extravagant wedding.

It was all going to be picture perfect.

Read More

Beauty for Ashes

Our past is a tricky thing.
It’s a sticky mess that tends to never let go.
In the best moments, it comes back to haunt us.
It lays in bed next to us and whispers of unworthy we are.
It screams at us about how badly we screwed up.
Our past is something that we have to live with.

Read More

To the Girl Who Believes She is Only Worth Her Body

To the girl who believes she’s only worth her body,

 

The first thing people see are your looks.

They give you the nicest of compliments.

Well some of them.

The rest of them whistle at you.

Make sexual innuendos.

Tell you that they would love to see more.

It’s disgusting.

And it all stops there.

 

All they see are your looks and never ask you more.

Read More

To the One Who Overthinks

To the one who overthinks,

You’re a perfectionist.

You question yourself in everything you do.

There is a fear that if you mess up, all those around you will sit there and judge you quietly.

There is no escape from the endless cycles of wondering how much you can mess up God’s plan for your life.

Your bed is the scariest place to be because it welcomes you into sleepless nights of wondering if you’re making the right decision.

Overthinking is something that many of us do. It’s natural, but what isn’t natural is allowing yourself to be consumed by your thoughts and questioning your every move.

I understand.Read More

Give Thanks Always

All morning I have been trying to come up with the most creative picture with the most thoughtful words. I mean I am a blogger right? Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be? We live in a world to tells us to come just as we are, yet when we do we are criticized for not bringing our best, so why wouldn’t I want to make this post picture perfect?Read More

The Shepherd’s Voice

Do you ever just wish the lies, the insecurities would all disappear?
Do you ever imagine what life would be like without that daily battle of telling yourself that you are worth more than anything you can imagine?
Have you ever felt like giving up and letting all of it consume you because it would be easier?
Me too.

It’s been a difficult couple of months.
Having to force myself out of bed and fight off those lies that tend to linger in my mind for hours too long.
Learning how to manage my sleep schedule because I can’t ever seem to find rest.
Needing to remind myself of what the Father says about me about every five minutes.Read More