I lost me.
It seems like I don’t know who I am.
I cry all of the time.
I question everything I do.
All I want to do is sleep to avoid feeling this pain.
There is a part of me missing.
Several parts, actually.
Over the past year I have been manipulated, hurt, and held to standards I wasn’t able to give.
I did everything I could do to make others happy.
I stretched myself in ways that I was never meant to be stretched.
And gave pieces of my heart away that were never meant to be taken.
There is a view that I have about myself that is not my own.
It’s not the Father’s either.
This view is broken and messy.
It believes that there is no value to my life.
It looks in the mirror and tells me I’m never to be wanted.
It whispers in my ears that I am ugly and it not worth getting to truly know my heart.
So I put up walls.
I distance myself.
I start pretending that I am okay.
You see, I was never meant to be like this.
One who has to assume the worst in people because I’ve been hurt too many times before.
One who can’t open up because when I do people always leave.
One who lays awake hours on end fighting off the pessimistic thoughts and tears.
I was created to be so much more.
And that’s what You have reminded me of.
In the back corner of a sanctuary, You reminded me that life is supposed to be worth living.
It is something that is not supposed to be filled with this much pain.
Life is supposed to be abundant and full of joy.
In that back corner of the sanctuary, you reminded me of whose I was.
I did not belong to those who took from me.
I did not belong to the chains of my past that haunted me.
I did not even belong to those lies screamed at me during all hours of the day.
No, I belonged to a King.
I was a daughter that had so much more to offer than the broken pieces in my hands.
The pain and heartache that I have faced was never intended for me.
This life comes with its trials, but You never wished this upon me.
In fact, you died so that I could stand in victory over all of it.
Your blood was shed so that I may be cleansed of my mistakes and free from the enemy.
Why is it though that I am so lost?
Why can’t I see past all of this and just sing your praises?
What will finally allow me to sit in your glory and not worry about what is to come?
If someone else will hurt and take from me.
I have stayed up most nights fighting and yelling at God with these questions.
And they are hard to answer and often won’t be until a later date.
That does not always give me the most comfort, but I also have to remember something.
That it will all work out, for God has a plan for us.
As humans we cannot see past our pain a lot of the time and although we declare God’s goodness the pain does not leave.
We are left having to constantly remind us that He does know what He is doing.
We have to keep pushing through.
Declaring victory, even when the victory is nowhere in sight.
It’s hard but oh so necessary, my dear.
Now I cannot tell you that this lost feeling will always go away as quickly as you want it to,
Because I believe God will use it in extravagant ways,
But I can tell you that you can take back what is yours.
Those pieces that they took from you, belong with one person only,
So as I write this, I want to challenge you with something.
Instead of questioning why to all of the pain and heart ache,
Ask God what parts of you have been stolen.
When you discover what those are, and it may take a while,
Ask God to help you forgive the only who stole it.
In that, give God your hurt and your emptiness,
Give Him your hard heart and resentment.
The bitterness and the anger
And He will give you what is rightfully yours in return.
He will give you wholeness.
Peace and Comfort.
He will give back what you lost.
All God wants to do is restore your heart and your soul.
He wants to remind you that you are His and in the end, you are never truly lost.
Because God is God and He will always chase after and redeem your story.
“Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.”
All my love,